Moving forward...

Sometimes it seems that the more important the things I want to say, the less I am able to find words to say them, so, often I say nothing at all.

Lately, life has been throwing curveballs my way, right left and center. Not so much in terms of events, "out there" although there has been some of that, but mostly in shifting energies and perceptions of things I thought I already had a handle on.

I've always understood life to be more of a spiral than a linear progression. We visit an issue, learn some things, move on to the next and do it all over, again and again. Then some years down the path that long ago issue resurfaces and although we are now seeing it from a greater perspective, we find that it still has something to teach us - usually of an emotional nature.

I'm a very self-aware person. Ever since I was a kid I've looked beyond the surface of things, to what is going on underneath, where we really live. So I know what my issues are. I know that my deepest spiritual lessons this time around the wheel are about separation and connection, and my own worth in regard to the whole. It's a question of the balance between the existential loneliness of the ego as compared to the oneness of All-That-Is. The way that seems to play out in my life is as a pendulum swinging between depression at one end and joy on the other.

I'm definitely not talking about bi-polar disorder here. I thought at one very low point in my life that taking a pill would be easier than using my own spiritual resources, to cope with my unhappiness. It wasn't. All it did was to dull my perception of the real reason for my state of mind so that I could put off learning what I needed to learn from it. The trouble with that is that the lesson doesn't go away. It just comes back again later on, with a bigger hammer!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that nobody ever needs chemical assistance in getting through the challenges of their lives, or even that I myself did not, at the time. Just that I used it to avoid a situation that I might have been better off to face more directly. And now that I have circled the block a few more times, I get to look at it again from a new direction. And while it is less painful now in many ways, it is also contains a lot more facets that need resolution.

But that is just the situation, not the lesson itself. The lesson is still about who I am, as compared to Who I Really Am. I have known for as long as I can remember that Who I Really Am is a powerful creative Being, intimately connected to Source. The trouble is, not all of Me is "here", operating through this cumbersome physical apparatus. The task of interfacing with this physical world is left to the ego, that more fragile and vulnerable part, that I know as me. And the challenge is to maintain an open channel of energy between myself and my Self.

When I was very young I would easily slip into and out of altered states of perception. One of these was something that I called, for lack of a better way to describe it, being "King of the World". As nearly as I can explain it, this was a state of Grace, wherein I was not just aware of Source, I was Source - pure Power, pure Joy, and All Possibility! As you might imagine, this was something to be treasured! But it was also very fleeting and not to be deliberately summoned. And so I have spent the rest of my life knowing what I was missing, so to speak, and very much wanting to go Home.

At various low points in my life that has indeed translated into thoughts of suicide. But at the same time, it makes me very aware of just how redundant suicide would be. And so, here I am, and will remain until it is time to move on to the next step.

But I've been here quite a long time already, so I've learned some things. Most recently, it has just today become crystal clear how, over the years, I have looked for my self worth in the things that I do, in being a good person, and in my relationships to others, when all the while I have been missing the point. The point being that my worth has never been in question. It is given, because I Am. And all I need do in order to feel that worthiness is to stay centered in that larger part of me which is my Self.