Moving forward...

Sometimes it seems that the more important the things I want to say, the less I am able to find words to say them, so, often I say nothing at all.

Lately, life has been throwing curveballs my way, right left and center. Not so much in terms of events, "out there" although there has been some of that, but mostly in shifting energies and perceptions of things I thought I already had a handle on.

I've always understood life to be more of a spiral than a linear progression. We visit an issue, learn some things, move on to the next and do it all over, again and again. Then some years down the path that long ago issue resurfaces and although we are now seeing it from a greater perspective, we find that it still has something to teach us - usually of an emotional nature.

I'm a very self-aware person. Ever since I was a kid I've looked beyond the surface of things, to what is going on underneath, where we really live. So I know what my issues are. I know that my deepest spiritual lessons this time around the wheel are about separation and connection, and my own worth in regard to the whole. It's a question of the balance between the existential loneliness of the ego as compared to the oneness of All-That-Is. The way that seems to play out in my life is as a pendulum swinging between depression at one end and joy on the other.

I'm definitely not talking about bi-polar disorder here. I thought at one very low point in my life that taking a pill would be easier than using my own spiritual resources, to cope with my unhappiness. It wasn't. All it did was to dull my perception of the real reason for my state of mind so that I could put off learning what I needed to learn from it. The trouble with that is that the lesson doesn't go away. It just comes back again later on, with a bigger hammer!

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that nobody ever needs chemical assistance in getting through the challenges of their lives, or even that I myself did not, at the time. Just that I used it to avoid a situation that I might have been better off to face more directly. And now that I have circled the block a few more times, I get to look at it again from a new direction. And while it is less painful now in many ways, it is also contains a lot more facets that need resolution.

But that is just the situation, not the lesson itself. The lesson is still about who I am, as compared to Who I Really Am. I have known for as long as I can remember that Who I Really Am is a powerful creative Being, intimately connected to Source. The trouble is, not all of Me is "here", operating through this cumbersome physical apparatus. The task of interfacing with this physical world is left to the ego, that more fragile and vulnerable part, that I know as me. And the challenge is to maintain an open channel of energy between myself and my Self.

When I was very young I would easily slip into and out of altered states of perception. One of these was something that I called, for lack of a better way to describe it, being "King of the World". As nearly as I can explain it, this was a state of Grace, wherein I was not just aware of Source, I was Source - pure Power, pure Joy, and All Possibility! As you might imagine, this was something to be treasured! But it was also very fleeting and not to be deliberately summoned. And so I have spent the rest of my life knowing what I was missing, so to speak, and very much wanting to go Home.

At various low points in my life that has indeed translated into thoughts of suicide. But at the same time, it makes me very aware of just how redundant suicide would be. And so, here I am, and will remain until it is time to move on to the next step.

But I've been here quite a long time already, so I've learned some things. Most recently, it has just today become crystal clear how, over the years, I have looked for my self worth in the things that I do, in being a good person, and in my relationships to others, when all the while I have been missing the point. The point being that my worth has never been in question. It is given, because I Am. And all I need do in order to feel that worthiness is to stay centered in that larger part of me which is my Self.

Begin the celebration

I suppose it's time to start using this blog since I've had it for almost a year.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to really start appreciating what I have. And other times, although my appreciation is strong, it doesn't seem necessary to translate it into words, which sort of negates the need for a blog. You see my dilemma...

I am often silent by default. I have a mind which tends to 'skip to the end' so to speak. That is 'cut to the chase' taken to the extreme. My thoughts tend to have a sort of pointedness which causes me to look at a situation, see the essence of it, and race ahead to the furthest possible ramification of that.

That has its advantages certainly. But it tends to make conversation difficult with broader thinkers. Some see it as tunnel vision and doubt my ability to "see the forest for the trees". I don't think that is really so. I see the broader picture. In fact, I tend to see life itself in infinitely broader terms than most people do. But on any given subject, my thoughts just seem to bound onward to the 'point'. What does it mean to this situation that the picture is what it is?

But it does make the present moment appreciation of 'what is' more challenging. So I would like to cultivate a little more "stop and smell the roses" perspective.

Some people say "Life is a beach...and then you die" making a play on words to express their cynicism. But I think life is a beach. And then you move on to the next one. Which means to express my love of beaches and my complete and utter disbelief in the idea of death.

Hubby and I share a love of Mother Earth. We are never happier than when we are outside smelling the fresh air and being bathed in whatever light is on offer. I confess he has a greater tolerance for some of Mom's harsher moods than I do, but no matter.

We are both happiest when we are on a beach. Any beach will do, although we both have our favourites. And both of us adore Sombrio beach on Vancouver Island:

But he is a percher while I am a wanderer.

He loves to just sit on a log, a rock, or whatever else is handy and soak up the sensations his present moment has to offer. The rhythmic pounding of the surf, the smell of salt water and evergreen trees, the feeling of moisture on his skin and the amazing vista before him; revelling in the here and now.

While he is doing that I will be wandering the beach taking pictures, like this one; picking up rocks and shells, rubbing sand between my fingers, stroking the velvet softness of driftwood and hoping to discover the treasure of cobalt beach glass. Always wondering what I will find beyond the next corner. Will it be a conference of noisy crows feasting on some dead thing, or a shell I've never seen before? What is there to discover beyond what is right in front of me?

This way of being has its own value. Curiosity is the mother of learning. And my curiosity is insatiable. But one of the things I have learned is the value of being able to see things from another perspective.

So I am asking myself if it might not be good to sit still for a while, and really revel in the beauty of my life? Perhaps it is time to make the effort to focus on my appreciation of the here and the now. To speak of it to others and really savour its deliciousness. In short, to milk it, for every ounce of joy it is meant to offer.